02.02.13

You get a little feeling, that something is not right
And you feel so alone
and the only person who can make it right, is 7000 miles away

I miss you

For Haters :p

When I tell people I'm in a long distance relationship, I received a lot of negative comments.

"How do you know if you can trust him?"
"It's not a real relationship!"
"How can you call it dating if you only do it through a webcam?"

Fine, everyone has got their own opinions.
You can be a hater if you want to.
But what do you get out of it?
Isn't it better to be supportive and happy for the other person?

These lil haters don't know that I have it better than them,
My man is sweet, caring, responsible, dependable, handsome and WONDERFUL

He sends me sweet texts all the time and even sweeter ones when he's drunk
We actually plan for our future, a serious one, not just "Where are we going next weekend?"
We play online games together, not he plays games and you moan.

I'm happy, and definitely happier than a lot of you little haters.
So quit your hating and don't cramp my style :P

I'm Dating Him :p

I'm dating him!!
Is that a little late to say? Don't care. I'm dating him. :p
Tralalalala~~

There are so many silly songs he sings but his voice itself is a song that belongs only to me <3 br="br">

05.11.12

Within 24 hours, I lost my heart and my ticket to study Law.

Life is like a roller coaster.

It hurts like hell when you fall.

But I don't know what to do anymore but smile and ..

04.11.12

Sometimes you feel like a million bucks
But you can't tell because you can't tell
But you're happy all the same
And he's happy
And that's all that matters :)

30.10.12

Haven't blogged in forever.
A lot happened recently, with my family and friends and love life as well.
Not everything can be perfect, but then I suppose imperfection makes you value the rare perfect moments in life.
Even though I say that, I still wish that things can be perfect in one aspect.

I want a balance.
Isn't that what everyone wants? - A balance

Have been having insomnia these past 2 days.
I wonder if it's because of my odd sleeping schedule or because there's so much on my mind.

My brains swirls and twirls and spins and runs all over the place when I lay down.
I think, and wonder, and try, to find a way, to achieve a balance.

I have always striven to be the best, to do my best, in everything that I do.
or at least I try to motivate myself to strive to be the best
to achieve what others can't

Yes, I put pressure on myself.

But how do you motivate yourself without stress?

Sometimes I'm so scared...
A simple sentence can strike me like a lighting bolt.

Like Spinning Gasing

I guess this is just a piece of something no one will understand 

07.10.12

There is something about the darkness that draws out the demons and their kin. There is something increasingly pathetic about feeling lonely in a crowded place. There is something wrong with her. Duality, i love that song

24.09.12

All of a sudden, I feel so much gratitude for everything that has happened to me.
All that happened to me, made me stronger,
and all my past; all the trails and tribulations, made me better
and all the time that has past that I had to get through gritting my teeth,
Everything,
Everything,
brought me You.

Thank you, for being in my life.

G&K always
~quish quish~

Day of Compliments!! Oh Joy!

There was a program meeting today at the company and also a pot-luck lunch afterwards.
They always have themes for their meetings,
which I think is a fabulous idea :D

For today's meeting, the theme was "Raya".
So we had to wear Raya clothing.
Since I didn't have any Raya clothing at all, I borrowed a Baju Kebaya from my colleague from the next team.

It was a beautiful Baju Kebaya~~~

I never realised how beautiful it was until I wore it, stood in the mirror, said "Not bad", got to the office, and the office went "Oh My God" - collectively.

Everyone praised me and admired the Kebaya,
I shared the praise with my colleague of course - it IS her Kebaya

But the compliments were overwhelming

I have never felt so 'seen' in my life.

It felt amazing *hearts*

And that got me thinking,
Compliments, they actually grow on you.
They boost your confidence - yes they do do do

And somehow, the compliments made me want to be compliment-worthy everyday

I want to be beautiful and confident everyday.
I wonder if I can carry it off...

But the one thing about the compliments I got today,
there will always be this shadow and this nagging doubt,
the dress is beautiful - yes, very much so,
so wearing it, so am I.


But without the dress, am I still beautiful?

25.08.12

I always find that it is so hard to put into words what I feel when it comes to you.

I just never expected it to be this way.

We're both slowly learning,
there are so many pages to add to our book.
By the end of it,
we'll have a whole library no doubt.
Not all of them will be happy,
there will be tears - I hope they're happy ones
there will be hurdles - We'll win the olympics eventually
there will be highs and lows and ups and downs and lefts and rights
there will be Doctors - yes, you heard me right.

But in the end, and even throughout our tomes,
there will be US - You and Me (+ a few eventually)

Come what may

Always

G&K

Patriotism

Patriotism, what is it really?
What does this term entail?

It's almost Merdeka again. Our Independence Day.
- flags are flying everywhere and competitions are held to remind us to be patriotic, love our country, love the land where we were born, where the blood of our ancestors are spilt.
Many common ancestors too I would like to mention, since quite a few of us have had our blood mixed about quite a bit.

Patriotism
To different people, it may mean different things.
To me, it means wanting to do something for your country.
But I seem to have a problem in discovering the 'What'.
What can I do for my country? What am I - puny, tiny, insignificant me - capable of doing for my country?
I'm not as smart as some of our leaders or other great minds,
I'm not as PR savvy as the lobbyists or Public Relations Officers,
I'm not as disciplined or capable in combat like those protecting our country in the front lines,
and I'm not as brave as those who stood up in front of tear gas to promote their feelings of wanting positive change for the country.

So what can I do within my capabilities to serve my country? To make a change?

I gave it a semi-conscious think while I was drifting off to sleep earlier,
and I think I found what's holding me back.
- not the "what I can do" unfortunately, but the "what is holding me back"

It's fear.

Fear of the unknown, of the consequences of speaking up.
But then those who speak up, how many of them know what are they actually speaking up about?

My greatest fear, is standing up for something I'm not sure is right or wrong.
My greatest fear, is getting lost in a screaming mob, clamoring for something I'm not sure I believe in, or do not fully understand about.
I suppose in some ways, that makes me a coward.
But there's too much to lose.
There is and always will be, too much to lose.

I am patriotic.
I love my country, it has given me so many chances, so many opportunities and luxuries.
But it has also withheld from me what the citizens of other countries would call basic liberties.
- The freedom of speech - To really speak their mind.
- The right to protest and assemble peacefully.

Questions flood my mind. What is right, what is wrong.
How do I contribute?

To different people, 'Patriotism' has a different meaning.
But to me, it means finding my own way of contributing what I can to my country, to my people, to make this country better than it can be.

Until I find my way.

Negaraku, Malaysia.   

Happy

Everything seems to be going so well.
It's a little scary really...
Scary that everything that was so right but was so wrong can right itself out and now, we're back on track.

Does this make sense?

Just safe to say, that for the first time in a long time,
I'm truly happy <3 br="br">

Gamble

Life is a gamble.

My mom told me that she was never a gambling person,
but she decided to gamble her future when my dad asked her to marry him.

Through this story,
she taught me that it's worth gambling and fighting for something that you really want.

We been through this situation again and again and again and again
But we still come right back to it

Maybe this time won't be any different,
maybe I'll fuck up again
maybe you will.
But I think it's worth a gamble.

Who knows?
I might hit the jackpot.

07.08.12

Does it make sense that I still wait to hear the words I want to hear so badly?

Not that it changes much....

But still, a girl can dream. :)

06.08.12

Sometimes I think I can make it,
not being in love with you.
But sometimes I falter,
which I expect will happen often.

Sometimes I think it's better,
to let go entirely and release us from these chains.
But sometimes I think we can still do what we promised,
and be BFFs

Sometimes it gets so hard,
and I try to keep above it
to keep my finger from pressing 'play'
so that I can heard your voice again

Sometimes I try to ignore my phone,
when the button lights up
and the possibility that it's you is high
and try to dismiss the irritating disappointment when it's not
and tell myself I chose this
and tell myself that it's better this way
for me and you
and you and her
and me and me

But when we talk,
about things we used to before it all,
it's like a drug I crave
a luxury I can no longer hope for

And I tell myself,
it's not that bad
it's not that bad
it's not that bad
it's a choice that had to be made

Sometimes it works
and then it wears off
and I press play again
and then I close my eyes
and I've survived another day
without you and me

Today though, is a cheat day.
Because of LCW :P

04.08.12

There are words I want to say,
but they remain stuck in my throat.
Not because I don't know how to say them,
but because I don't know how to start.

Those words that I can't say,
drives my dreams.
Or I wish they would
instead of being a nuisance in my head

Do you stare at the screen and the time stamp like I do?
Or are you there for someone else?

I just wish..
Things were different...
and I can be where I thought I belonged again....

IMUG...

Withdrawal

Withdrawal, it can occur as early as a few days after you stop using the addictive material.

The usual time period it takes me to reattach myself to my addiction is more or less 8 hours.
Just time enough for me to go to sleep and get up.
That is barely enough time for the withdrawal symptoms to hit.
But this time, I have been without for more than 12 hours.
14? 16? 20?
I don't know.
It just seems too long.
Yet so short.

I wonder if withdrawal symptoms are the same for everyone.
I wonder if everyone stares at the picture of the cause of their addiction and daze off.
Do they switch on their Skype when they know the item of their addiction is asleep and stare at the screen?
Do they log on to messaging apps and stare at the screen and the time stamp?

I'm addicted to you.

I'm trying to stop.

01.08.12

Have been feeling a little more than under the weather these last two days.

Had an infection over the weekend which turned serious on Monday.
So finally had to get it settled yesterday.
Then this morning, the headache I've been having for the past weeks got too much and off I went to the doctor again.
The doc recognizes me. ==

Turns out I've got a Tension Headache from too much stress.
I checked it out online and apparently it's close to turning into a Chronic Tension Headache, 
if it isn't actually one already...

The doc said that I have to regulate my life.

I suppose so.

My darling YM said that I have to take care of myself.
She said “我们当你是宝。你怎么可以这样糟蹋自己。”

Now I have 2 packets of painkillers, a stack of antibiotics, a wounded heart as well as a brain apparently under siege.

Oh, and apparently Tension Headaches can be caused by depression.

But then, that's not a place worth venturing to.

25.07.12

Went out for dinner today with a friend then went to a pet shop.
All the way, there were couples.

At the hawker centre, at the pet shop, by the side of the road.
Holding hands, talking, all lovey dovey.

A scenario with a couple from China hit me hard

They were in front of the cages with the super cute doggies and were holding hands and talking in their china chinese accents.
I was thinking, "Are they working or studying? How do they get by on their accents? Do they speak any other languages?"
Then I realized, they don't care.
They're in their own little word - free to be who they are with the one they love.

I want that too.

Fairytales

Everyone wants to have their own fairytale.

We all imagine ourselves as brave and fearless, loyal and steadfast, trustworthy and perfectly flawed at some point in our lives.

When we were young, we watched how Cinderella was mistreated by her step family and when we were bullied by our siblings or disciplined by our parents, we imagine that we are Cinderella, and fantasize that any day now, Price Charming would come to our rescue and we would live happy ever after.

And boys, they imagine themselves to be superheroes - Power Rangers, Ultra-man, Batman, Superman. They want to be strong and brave.

Some say that fairytales are the root cause of the modern youth being so out of touch with reality. We think we are living in a fairytale and that Prince Charming or Princess Perfect will just jump out of nowhere and we'll have a happy ending.

Things don't work that way.

However, fairytales serve as positive encouragement as well. Shrek and Fiona are a good example of a strong male and a strong female together. They fight and argue and disagree and leave and get back together again. But they're strong together and no matter what happens, they always stay together in the end.

There, you get your Prince Charming and Princess Perfect.

But the thing that makes this imperfect fairytale perfect, is in fact, it's portrayal of imperfection.

Neither Shrek not Fiona are perfect characters.

Shrek is loud and obnoxious and selfish to a degree, but actually has a good heart and values friendship and love. He acts just like a big baby, but when the sky falls down, you can count on him.

Fiona is spoilt and bossy and also selfish to a degree, but just like Shrek, she has a good heart and tries hard to be better, like she does with the annoying donkey. She acts like a brat at times, but when it comes down to it, she is always going to stick by her man. And she can lead a troupe of fighting fairytale princesses to her hubby's rescue. *bonus point*

So, what I mean to say is, identification with fairytale characters is acceptable and should be encouraged to some degree. Just make sure you identify with the right ones.

*I personally prefer to be Selene or Alice (the zombie-arse-kicking Alice mind you). But then, I don't mind being Fiona. She is kinda kick-ass after all. :p  *