25.08.12

I always find that it is so hard to put into words what I feel when it comes to you.

I just never expected it to be this way.

We're both slowly learning,
there are so many pages to add to our book.
By the end of it,
we'll have a whole library no doubt.
Not all of them will be happy,
there will be tears - I hope they're happy ones
there will be hurdles - We'll win the olympics eventually
there will be highs and lows and ups and downs and lefts and rights
there will be Doctors - yes, you heard me right.

But in the end, and even throughout our tomes,
there will be US - You and Me (+ a few eventually)

Come what may

Always

G&K

Patriotism

Patriotism, what is it really?
What does this term entail?

It's almost Merdeka again. Our Independence Day.
- flags are flying everywhere and competitions are held to remind us to be patriotic, love our country, love the land where we were born, where the blood of our ancestors are spilt.
Many common ancestors too I would like to mention, since quite a few of us have had our blood mixed about quite a bit.

Patriotism
To different people, it may mean different things.
To me, it means wanting to do something for your country.
But I seem to have a problem in discovering the 'What'.
What can I do for my country? What am I - puny, tiny, insignificant me - capable of doing for my country?
I'm not as smart as some of our leaders or other great minds,
I'm not as PR savvy as the lobbyists or Public Relations Officers,
I'm not as disciplined or capable in combat like those protecting our country in the front lines,
and I'm not as brave as those who stood up in front of tear gas to promote their feelings of wanting positive change for the country.

So what can I do within my capabilities to serve my country? To make a change?

I gave it a semi-conscious think while I was drifting off to sleep earlier,
and I think I found what's holding me back.
- not the "what I can do" unfortunately, but the "what is holding me back"

It's fear.

Fear of the unknown, of the consequences of speaking up.
But then those who speak up, how many of them know what are they actually speaking up about?

My greatest fear, is standing up for something I'm not sure is right or wrong.
My greatest fear, is getting lost in a screaming mob, clamoring for something I'm not sure I believe in, or do not fully understand about.
I suppose in some ways, that makes me a coward.
But there's too much to lose.
There is and always will be, too much to lose.

I am patriotic.
I love my country, it has given me so many chances, so many opportunities and luxuries.
But it has also withheld from me what the citizens of other countries would call basic liberties.
- The freedom of speech - To really speak their mind.
- The right to protest and assemble peacefully.

Questions flood my mind. What is right, what is wrong.
How do I contribute?

To different people, 'Patriotism' has a different meaning.
But to me, it means finding my own way of contributing what I can to my country, to my people, to make this country better than it can be.

Until I find my way.

Negaraku, Malaysia.   

Happy

Everything seems to be going so well.
It's a little scary really...
Scary that everything that was so right but was so wrong can right itself out and now, we're back on track.

Does this make sense?

Just safe to say, that for the first time in a long time,
I'm truly happy <3 br="br">

Gamble

Life is a gamble.

My mom told me that she was never a gambling person,
but she decided to gamble her future when my dad asked her to marry him.

Through this story,
she taught me that it's worth gambling and fighting for something that you really want.

We been through this situation again and again and again and again
But we still come right back to it

Maybe this time won't be any different,
maybe I'll fuck up again
maybe you will.
But I think it's worth a gamble.

Who knows?
I might hit the jackpot.

07.08.12

Does it make sense that I still wait to hear the words I want to hear so badly?

Not that it changes much....

But still, a girl can dream. :)

06.08.12

Sometimes I think I can make it,
not being in love with you.
But sometimes I falter,
which I expect will happen often.

Sometimes I think it's better,
to let go entirely and release us from these chains.
But sometimes I think we can still do what we promised,
and be BFFs

Sometimes it gets so hard,
and I try to keep above it
to keep my finger from pressing 'play'
so that I can heard your voice again

Sometimes I try to ignore my phone,
when the button lights up
and the possibility that it's you is high
and try to dismiss the irritating disappointment when it's not
and tell myself I chose this
and tell myself that it's better this way
for me and you
and you and her
and me and me

But when we talk,
about things we used to before it all,
it's like a drug I crave
a luxury I can no longer hope for

And I tell myself,
it's not that bad
it's not that bad
it's not that bad
it's a choice that had to be made

Sometimes it works
and then it wears off
and I press play again
and then I close my eyes
and I've survived another day
without you and me

Today though, is a cheat day.
Because of LCW :P

04.08.12

There are words I want to say,
but they remain stuck in my throat.
Not because I don't know how to say them,
but because I don't know how to start.

Those words that I can't say,
drives my dreams.
Or I wish they would
instead of being a nuisance in my head

Do you stare at the screen and the time stamp like I do?
Or are you there for someone else?

I just wish..
Things were different...
and I can be where I thought I belonged again....

IMUG...

Withdrawal

Withdrawal, it can occur as early as a few days after you stop using the addictive material.

The usual time period it takes me to reattach myself to my addiction is more or less 8 hours.
Just time enough for me to go to sleep and get up.
That is barely enough time for the withdrawal symptoms to hit.
But this time, I have been without for more than 12 hours.
14? 16? 20?
I don't know.
It just seems too long.
Yet so short.

I wonder if withdrawal symptoms are the same for everyone.
I wonder if everyone stares at the picture of the cause of their addiction and daze off.
Do they switch on their Skype when they know the item of their addiction is asleep and stare at the screen?
Do they log on to messaging apps and stare at the screen and the time stamp?

I'm addicted to you.

I'm trying to stop.

01.08.12

Have been feeling a little more than under the weather these last two days.

Had an infection over the weekend which turned serious on Monday.
So finally had to get it settled yesterday.
Then this morning, the headache I've been having for the past weeks got too much and off I went to the doctor again.
The doc recognizes me. ==

Turns out I've got a Tension Headache from too much stress.
I checked it out online and apparently it's close to turning into a Chronic Tension Headache, 
if it isn't actually one already...

The doc said that I have to regulate my life.

I suppose so.

My darling YM said that I have to take care of myself.
She said “我们当你是宝。你怎么可以这样糟蹋自己。”

Now I have 2 packets of painkillers, a stack of antibiotics, a wounded heart as well as a brain apparently under siege.

Oh, and apparently Tension Headaches can be caused by depression.

But then, that's not a place worth venturing to.